Dear Ayla,

T from Calgary may come down and visit near the end of August. I am excited, nervous, apprehensive, worried ... all at once. He emailed me out of the blue this morning to ask about flying down. Previously, I'd forbade him to email me. That quick method of communication led to easy misunderstandings and personally hurtful arguments. Snail mail was going very well and I look forward to his letters every other week.

I fear him coming down here. I fear the aftermath of his leaving. I know I can't have a relationship with him, not a long distance thing in different countries and I'm not even certain I'd want a relationship with him again anyway. Is it worth it to have fun with him while he is here, when I know it won't progress into anything past his leaving? It would be nothing but a rather expensive booty call. Looking beyond the point that I need some personal bodily attention, would I emotionally be okay with that? Would T?

I can't decide if I'd be comfortable sharing my bed with him while he's here. Right now, I'm thinking I'd be more comfortable giving the bed to him and sleeping on the couch myself. I haven't told T any of what I'm thinking. I'd almost welcome a cancellation ... if he didn't come down at all. It's easier for me to not have to deal with things that make me uncomfortable. Political discussions, arguments, situations ...

I need to sleep on this and think about it. I do look forward to showing him around. The last time he came down it was no good. Beyond how I treated him and the eventual out come of that, I didn't show T around SLO County at all and we never even got close to LA or Hollywood. I'll drag him to Mann's Chinese Theater, maybe a play, definitely a lot of popcorn movies, the beach, Disneyland ... my coworker wants to take us to Sea World. I could try to throw Vegas in there, but that might be too expensive for our tastes.

It'll be interesting, to say the least. Whether this works out for the better or for the worse ... it'll be interesting.